LV7Thinks

Reese Witherspoon is going to be killed by vampires. Well, no. Reese Witherspoon is going to be killed by crazed fans who think (or wish) that they are vampires. Why? Well she had the audacity to appear on a magazine (Entertainment Weekly) cover with Robert Pattison. That slut! How dare she touch him during promotion for a movie? How dare she say that he’s a normal person and easy to work with? Robert Pattinson is not a normal person. Normal people do not come with a group of gaggling crazies who suck the sanity from an situation quicker than a dementor sucks a soul.

Is it his fault that his fans are crazy? Yes. Yes it is. As soon as he decided to become Sparkly Cedric he knew that this was going to happen. He knew what kind of book it was. However, I don’t think he quite realized the degree to which it would reach and how MANY crazy fans there would be. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to completely lose their identity. Unless, of course, you’re creating a new, more powerful identity for people to not name and fear. Nobody fears Edward Cullen.

Read the rest of this entry »

All everyone keeps talking about is the royal wedding. What will Kate wear? What will they arrive in? Will Prince Harry stumble in drunk and create a scandal? (Answer: Yes). And are you all f**king kidding me? With constant talks about the slow but sure destruction of the world (without even a thank you to me) and how much everyone is struggling, this kind of event is still going on?

Does it seem like the best idea to parade (literally) about, spending upwards of a hundred million dollars on a wedding? This is why “tradition” often is synonymous with greed and stupidity. “Oh but the tablecloths have to be ‘just so’ because that’s how they were in 1643.” Here’s a shocking twist: it isn’t 1643. Turns out people grow and evolve over time. I mean, look at Harry Potter, he used to be a scrawny git with glasses. Now he’s a lanky git with glasses. Things change. I guess the other main concern is that “the whole world will be watching the wedding” and it is “the event of the century.”

Read the rest of this entry »

This is another submission in the “AKYL” category. Apparently people are lazy and can’t be bothered to go down a few posts to figure out what “AKYL” is. I received frantic emails from people who thought that instead of perhaps doing some deductive reasoning or continuing to read the site emailing me would be the best course of action. WHAT DOES AKYL MEAN? IS IT A RIDDLE? WILL I GET POSITIVE RESULTS BY WRITING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE AN ANNOYING GIT? People who sent those emails in, AKYL. So if you need a refresher on what it means….

Read the rest of this entry »

A man in Florida was sentenced to twenty years in jail for killing his roommate and drinking his blood. What the hell? Did this guy get confused? UNICORNS. It is UNICORN blood that helps you live forever. Also, how the hell did he manage to get off with only twenty years in jail?

“A 43-year-old central Florida man accused of killing his roommate and drinking the man’s blood has been sentenced to 20 years in prison. Read the rest of this entry »

So by now many of you have inevitably realized that we are closing in on the “100 days to Deathly Hallows Part Two” date. The end is near. Amidst all the inevitable glee and sorrow that will come with this film brings an additional question: are films doomed to be in 3D from now on?

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s irritating when random celebrities get slang to catch on. “That’s hot.” “How you ‘doin?” “Ay carumba.” “No soup for you.” “The tribe has spoken.” These were all popular at one point. However, recently one phrase has come up which is extremely irritating. I know what you’re thinking, no it’s not “Tiger blood” or even “winning.” In fact, it has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen.

Read the rest of this entry »

Chris Brown threw an angry fit on the set of Good Morning America this morning after he was asked about the “Rihanna Incident” in an interview. Apparently Chris thinks that half-assed apologies are some kind of memory charm and now people will forget about the time he smashed his girlfriend’s face with his fists.  Shocking twist…. they haven’t. In fact, usually when the person whose face you bashed in is more famous than you it tends to get brought up. This is apparently news to Chris who believes that people should have “gotten over it” by now. Yeah bro, what’s up with that? I killed Harry’s parents years ago, get over it people. Anyway…

Read the rest of this entry »

Remember Kelly Clarkson? She won the first season of American Idol and proceeded to have a few pop hits. Mainly they were just her complaining about how men have wronged her emotionally which I find personally offensive because feelings are gross. Anyway, she’s working on new music… or something. I really don’t pay attention or care. That’s kind of the point. You know that show? American Idol? Why do people watch that show? It’s just people singing the same “inspirational” songs over and over while sounding worse than the people who put them out in the first place. At least Simon used to verbally berate people, now all it has is J LO trying to stay relevant. How many people from that show actually go on to have continued success in pop music? The answer is zero. Zero people. The same number of people that Goyle has brain cells. Read the rest of this entry »

It is uncomfortable when two people of vastly different attractiveness levels are together. Immediately you begin to analyze why the two would ever be a couple. Is it about money? Are they insecure? Are they blind? The list goes on but it always boils down to the same thing: people who are on two different levels of attractiveness are awkward. This is one of the burdens of being insanely good-looking. However, I won’t burden you with my problems. Sean Pean, however, is Scarlett Johannseen’s problem. Let me begin by saying that everything about them being together creeps me out and I hang with dementors on a daily basis. If you’re a young, good-looking girl that is getting with a guy who is old enough to be your father then you have issues. She could have almost anyone, like for instance that attractive guy she married, but she’s choosen Sean Pean? Something doesn’t add up here. This would be like Fleur Delacour desciding to shack up with Slughorn. I know pretty girls go for guys with money but pretty girls with money don’t need to do that. There’s only one explanation: the imperious curse.